Apr 23

Male Abusers: Even More Lundy Bancroft Quotes

“Understanding Abusive Men: Quotes from Lundy Bancroft” has been one of the most read posts on this blog. Author of Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men (2002), Bancroft has said the following about male abusers:

Research indicates that a woman’s intuitive sense of whether or not her partner will be violent toward her is a substantially more accurate predictor of future violence than any other warning sign.

To make matters worse, everyone she talks to has a different opinion about the nature of his problem and what she should do about it. Her clergyperson may tell her, “Love heals all difficulties. Give him your heart fully, and he will find the spirit of God.” Her therapist speaks a different language, saying, “He triggers strong reactions in you because he reminds you of your father, and you set things off in him because of his relationship with his mother. You each need to work on not pushing each other’s buttons.” A recovering alcoholic friend tells her, “He’s a rage addict. He controls you because he is terrified of his own fears. You need to get him into a twelve-step program.” Her brother may say to her, “He’s a good guy. I know he loses his temper with you sometimes—he does have a short fuse—but you’re no prize yourself with that mouth of yours. You two need to work it out, for the good of the children.” And then, to crown her increasing confusion, she may hear from her mother, or her child’s schoolteacher, or her best friend: “He’s mean and crazy, and he’ll never change. All he wants is to hurt you. Leave him now before he does something even worse.” All of these people are trying to help, and they are all talking about the same abuser. But he looks different from each angle of view.

It is not possible to be truly balanced in one’s views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently in her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance. To him, that means you see the couple’s problems as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn’t abuse.

The confusion of love with abuse is what allows abusers who kill their partners to make the absurd claim that they were driven by the depths of their loving feelings. The news media regrettably often accept the aggressors’ view of these acts, describing them as “crimes of passion.” But what could more thoroughly prove that a man did not love his partner? If a mother were to kill one of her children, would we ever accept the claim that she did it because she was overwhelmed by how much she cared? Not for an instant. Nor should we. Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person’s self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.

One of the biggest mistakes made by people who wish to help an abused woman is to measure success by whether or not she leaves her abusive partner. If the woman feels unable or unready to end her relationship, or if she does separate for a period but then goes back to him, people who have attempted to help tend to feel that their effort failed and often channel this frustration into blaming the abused woman. A better measure of success for the person helping is how well you have respected the woman’s right to run her own life—which the abusive man does not do—and how well you have helped her to think of strategies to increase her safety. If you stay focused on these goals you will feel less frustrated as a helper and will be a more valuable resource for the woman.

Apr 20

“I Feel Pretty”: Female Movie Critics Dissect

Linda Holmes, NPR, regarding I Feel Pretty:

For some women, two lessons exist in constant tension: (1) You must be pretty to be valued, but (2) It’s really what’s on the inside that counts. This can — or so I may have hypothetically heard — set off a repeating loop that goes something like this:

I am not happy with my looks. —> I am not good. —> It’s really what’s on the inside that counts. —> This means my insides are not good either, or I would be good. And I am not good, because —> I am not happy with my looks.

Holmes sets up the plot of the not so prettily reviewed comedy I Feel Pretty, starring Amy Schumer:

I Feel Pretty, written and directed by Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein, is aptly named; it’s not about what it’s like to be pretty as much as what it’s like to feel pretty. It’s about the mythical power some women attach to being beautiful in those specific ways most commonly associated with social power: thin, smooth and unblemished skin, the ‘right’ bone structure, the ‘right’ kind of chin and nose and wide eyes, the thick and healthy hair of a shampoo model.

The key turning point explained by Moira Macdonald, Seattle Times:

Renee [Schumer], inspired by a viewing of ‘Big,’ wishes to be beautiful — and one day, after suffering a head injury at Soul Cycle, she wakes up believing it’s true. She looks exactly the same to the world — and to us — but she now sees herself to be stunning, and throws herself into her life with a new self-confidence, quickly acquiring a glamorous new job and a nice new boyfriend (Rory Scovel).

Sheri Linden, Hollywood Reporter: “But feeling beautiful also makes her condescending, presumptuous, vain and snobby.”

Anne Cohen, Refinery29: “Renee’s experience is definitely that of a white, privileged woman who has the time and resources to worry about how she looks on a minute level. The lack of diversity in the film makes it far less inclusive than it should be…”

Another common complaint: the lack of depth to the non-Renee characterizations. Sara Stewart, New York Post:

Michelle Williams shows up as another blonde with confidence problems: The granddaughter of the company’s founder, she’s got an unfortunately squeaky voice. Aidy Bryant and an oddly tan Busy Philipps play Schumer’s best friends, apparently a couple of 5s at best; we know this because they favor cardigans and pants. Model Emily Ratajkowski plays . . . a beautiful woman. Only Rory Scovel, as Renee’s adoring and Zumba-loving new boyfriend Ethan, comes off as a real, quirky person instead of a retro caricature. Kudos to him, but for a movie that’s purportedly about female empowerment, it’s not a great look.

An important point, however: “To the movie’s credit, it doesn’t pit women against each other but rather has them build one another up” (Aisha Harris, Slate).

Watch the trailer, then read on for further reflections:

Selected Conclusions

Anne Cohen, Refinery 29: “…It’s that inability to ever feel true satisfaction with oneself, to always strive for more attractive, more glamorous, more stylish, that I Feel Pretty seeks to make light of. And there, it does succeed.”

Inkoo Kang, The Wrap: “The movie that ‘I Feel Pretty’ should have been deserves to be made. This version, in which a narcissist learns to love herself as is, feels far less necessary.”

Mara Weinstein, Us Weekly: “…(I)t sticks to basic lessons, such as the revelation that beautiful women have boyfriend problems too!!”

Alissa Wilkinson, Vox: “There’s a potentially funny movie in here somewhere. But it lumbers along, wasting some of its greatest assets and, in the end, overstaying its welcome.”

Katie Walsh, Tribune News Service: “Renee works at a beauty company, but we never stop to examine into the industry’s practices of keeping women feeling bad so they continue spending money trying to feel pretty.”

Apr 16

“Mean Girls” Often Become Mean Women

Mean Girls, the 2004 comedy written by Tina Fey that’s now a new Broadway musical, was based on info from Rosalind Wiseman‘s 2002 nonfiction book Queen Bees & Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence.

Part of the summary by Publishers Weekly:

Acting as a liaison between ‘Girl World’ and ‘Planet Parent,’ Wiseman helps parents understand their daughters’ friendships, the power of cliques and the roles of girls within them (including Queen Bee, Sidekick, Torn Bystander, Messenger and Target)…The second half concentrates on boys, sex and drugs as well as what to do if your daughter needs professional help.

Several years later Cheryl Dellasega focused on Mean Girls Grown Up: Adult Women Who Are Still Queen Bees, Middle Bees, and Afraid-to-Bees. The following excerpt (ABC News) uses the term relational aggression (RA):

In adult women, it seems apparent that RA becomes much more deliberate as well as subtle…If a bully is the Queen Bee, her sidekick is often the Middle Bee, who isn’t directly aggressive, but who creates a context where women with a tendency to respond aggressively to threats will do so…

…(T)he Afraid-to-Bee adult woman demonstrates the victim role perfectly. Unlike an adolescent girl whose forming identity is vulnerable to the slings and arrows of a bully, the Afraid-to-Bee is more aware of her abilities and often knows that her tormenting Queen Bee is unreasonable but lacks the confidence to respond assertively. She is truly afraid to be her own person.

And Meredith Fuller‘s Working with Bitches: Identify the Eight Types of Office Mean Girls and Rise Above Workplace Nastiness (2012) further examined these issues. Mean women on the job:

  •  The Excluder (ignores you)
  •  The Insecure (obsessive fault finder)
  •  The Toxic (syrupy, slimy, 2 faced)
  •  The Narcissist (“I’m the Star, you’re the servant”)
  •  The Screamer (angry shouter)
  •  The Liar (gamey troublemaker, never to be trusted)
  •  The Incompetent (steals your work while making you do her job)
  •  The Not-A-Bitch (really competent & she’s got your number!)

Why so mean? Fuller explains the three main reasons (Psychology Today):

• Because they project their unwanted parts onto the other women (especially their fear, envy, jealousy, suspicion, resentment, rageanxiety or lack of self esteem & confidence)

• Because they can get away with it…

• Because they don’t have the interpersonal and intrapersonal communication skills to recognize or alter their behavior.

What to do if victimized? Dr. Ellen Hendriksen (Scientific American) offers tips:

  • Know it’s not your fault. 
  • Make immediate corrections. “If the bullying isn’t entrenched yet, call out the bad behavior when it happens…”
  • Don’t confront the bully. However, if the bullying is entrenched…don’t confront the bully…A confrontation just shows the bully that the crusade to get under your skin is working…”
  • Find strength in numbers. “…(T)urn to your colleagues, family, and friends to help validate your sense of reality and remind you that you don’t deserve this cruel treatment.”
  • If you take formal action, keep it about the bottom line. …Often the bosses know exactly what’s going on, but the bully has spent time cultivating that relationship (read: kissing up) so they’re ingratiated to authority. To bypass this, go two or three levels higher.”
  • Don’t accept mediation. “…[It’s] ineffective in cases of workplace bullying…(T)he bully has nothing to gain from mediation.” Alternatives include “a transfer of the bully, disciplinary action, or at the very least, an investigation with protection for you. If you get none of these, which is unfortunately probable, start planning your exit.” Or get your own transfer.
  • Stroking egos can buy you time. “…(U)se it judiciously…while you figure out how to leave.”
  • Don’t prolong your suffering; get out of there! Unfortunately, according to a 2007 survey commissioned by the Workplace Bullying Institute, 62% of employers did nothing about a bully in their ranks.”
  • Stand up for others.Once you’re free of your bully, use your experience to help others in the same predicament.”
Apr 12

Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse and Assault: New PSA

At least 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused or assaulted. 1in6.org

Were it not for Curtis M. Wong (HuffPost), I wouldn’t have seen the following important and moving PSA from 1in6—and it’s something I hope everyone will watch. “Produced in conjunction with No More, another organization for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, and funded in part by the NFL, the video aims to highlight statistics which show that at least 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse or assault.”

Watch as women read statements about sexual abuse, then meet the writers, male survivors:

1in6 lists on their site eight facts that counter common myths about the sexual abuse of boys and men:

  • Boys and men can be sexually used or abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are.
  • If a boy liked the attention he was getting, or got sexually aroused during abuse, or even sometimes wanted the attention or sexual contact, this does not mean he wanted or liked being manipulated or abused, or that any part of what happened, in any way, was his responsibility or fault.
  • Sexual abuse harms boys and girls in ways that are similar and different, but equally harmful.
  • Boys can be sexually abused by both straight men and gay men. It’s about taking advantage of a child’s vulnerability, not the sexual orientation of the abusive person.
  • Whether he is gay, straight or bisexual, a boy’s sexual orientation is neither the cause or the result of sexual abuse.
  • Girls and women can sexually abuse boys.
  • Most boys who are sexually abused will not go on to sexually abuse others.
  • Not understanding these facts is understandable, but harmful, and needs to be overcome.

The following pertinent quotes are from therapists/writers who’ve worked with male survivors:

Many men fear their masculinity has been robbed or destroyed, that they’ll be exposed as a ‘fake’ – even if no one has a clue about what happened or thinks twice about their masculinity. Jim Hopper, PhD

...(L)earning to experience and express vulnerable emotions (at times and places of your own choosing), means becoming more masculine in many positive ways. Jim Hopper, PhD

Boys who grow up without coming to terms with their childhood abuse often struggle as men with addictions, anxiety, depression, and thoughts of suicide as well as the inability to develop or maintain relationships. Richard Gartner, PhD, Psychology Today (author of Beyond Betrayal: Taking Charge of Your Life After Boyhood Sexual Abuse)

Confusing affection with abuse, desire with tenderness, sexually abused boys often become men who have difficulty distinguishing among sex, love, nurturance, affection, and abuse. They may experience friendly interpersonal approaches as seductive and manipulative. On the other hand, they may not notice when exploitative demands are made on them – they’ve learned to see these as normal and acceptable. Richard Gartner, PhD

Another question I am frequently asked is, “What do you mean by recovery?” It has taken me a while to answer that one. I had been depending on other people’s definitions of recovery until I developed one that worked for me (just as you must come to one that makes sense for you.) Mine is simple. For me, it is about freedom.
Recovery is the freedom to make choices in your life that aren’t determined by the abuse.
The specific choices will be different for each of you; the freedom to choose is your birthright.  Mike Lew, M.Ed., Victims No Longer: Men Recovering from Incest and Other Sexual Child Abuse

Lists of various resources are available to male survivors at 1in6 as well as on the websites of Jim Hopper and Next Step Counseling (co-directed by therapists Mike Lew and Thom Harrigan).

Apr 05

Gay Relationships (Others Too): Non-Monogamy or Not?

Legalized gay male marriage is relatively new in the scheme of things, but gay male couples facing decision-making about non-monogamy vs. monogamy is not. Openly gay therapist Michael Dale Kimmel decided it was time to offer men some guidance on related issues.

Kimmel states in The Gay Man’s Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage (excerpted in The Advocate), “Marriage between two men is — in my experience as a psychotherapist — dramatically different than heterosexual marriage. It’s a double testosterone marriage. With all that testosterone, sex is probably going to be handled quite differently for us than for some straight couples or even for some lesbian couples.”

As I see in my own practice, though, it’s not just gay relationships involving themselves with these questions. Some couples of all orientations are potentially interested in ethical non-monogamy and thus could benefit from reading about or hearing the experiences of those who’ve already tried it.

Questions that many gay couples grapple with, he tells fellow gay therapist Mark O’Connell, LCSW (HuffPost), include the following:

• How do you decide whether to choose monogamy or an open relationship?

• What happens if you don’t get support for your marriage from people around you, important people, like your friends, family and community?

• If you are married, how do you and your mate want to do parenting?

It’s not, of course, that Kimmel is actually advocating open relationships versus non-open. What he’s doing is presenting the reality that some will choose this, some won’t. Per his interview with O’Connell:

While I considered non-monogamy important to explore in this book, I also was very clear that I did not want to denigrate or invalidate monogamous relationships. I know many gay, bi, trans and straight couples who have solid, loving monogamous relationships. To look down upon them would be foolish and naïve. There is no one form of marriage that is ‘the best’. Let’s be clear about that. That’s why this book looks at both open and monogamous marriage: each has its own unique gifts and challenges for us. Neither is better.

Representing each choice, in fact, are two married couples followed in the book. “They’re an amalgam of hundreds of real couples I’ve worked with,” says Kimmel.

In his review, author Darryl Stephens states that he was moved by Kimmel’s suggestions “for giving one another time and space to process when things get heated, and apologizing through action if words don’t come as easily…Being right doesn’t mean we win in a relationship. This is one of many crucial points the book illuminates.”

And actor/activist Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman calls Kimmel “a relationship anthropologist of sorts” who “has excavated the roots of holy matrimony, while trimming away the branches that no longer serve us, allowing the birth of a new age of partnership. A must read for any same-sex couple or individual questioning how & where we can discover our own happily-ever-after.”