“A cure for chronic people-pleasing,” Adam Grant calls the newest clinical self-help book on this topic. It’s by therapist Meg Josephson, LCSW, and is called Are You Mad at Me?:
But it’s not only for people-pleasers. It’s also for perfectionists, conflict-avoiders, overachievers, overextenders, over-apologizers and over-explainers, and others with interrelated personality traits—including fawning, which Josephson calls the “arguably most common” threat response/survival mechanism, states Publishers Weekly.
“Unlike fight, flight, or freeze, fawning, or ‘being helpful and agreeable to the threat so that you can feel safe,’ has been ‘overlooked in our society because it’s so largely rewarded,’ Josephson contends, noting that people pleasers get promotions and those who prioritize others’ needs are lauded as selfless. But fawning also means disconnecting from one’s own emotions and needs, which fuels ‘self-criticism and self-loathing’.”
Notably, women and minorities can be particularly afflicted in our “white-dominated, patriarchal society” because we “are socialized to be agreeable in order to win the favor of the powerful.”
Ada Calhoun, author of Why We Can’t Sleep, lauds Are You Mad at Me? “Hallelujah—at last, salvation for all of us who’ve ever agonized over an awkward text exchange, wondered if we embarrassed ourselves at a party, or become convinced that a friendship cooling meant we’d unwittingly committed some grave sin. Meg Josephson’s instant self-help classic is wise, actionable, and could change your life.”
And Christie Tate, author of Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life, states, “For all of us who’ve spent our lives feeling like we were in trouble—with friends, bosses, spouses, children, everyone—this book offers explanations, comfort, and best of all, solutions.”
People-pleasing literature has been around since at least 2000, when psychologist Harriet B. Braiker called it out as an addiction in The Disease To Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome. Braiker included a list of “The Ten Commandments of People-Pleasing” (which of course are actually what not to do):
- I should always do what others want, expect, or need from me.
- I should take care of everyone around me whether they ask for help or not.
- I should always listen to everyone’s problems and try my best to solve them.
- I should always be nice and never hurt anyone’s feelings.
- I should always put other people first, before me.
- I should never say “no” to anyone who needs or requests something of me.
- I should never disappoint anyone or let others down in any way.
- I should always be happy and upbeat and never show any negative feelings to others.
- I should always try to please other people and make them happy.
- I should try never to burden others with my own needs or problems.
In addition to Are You Mad at Me? and The Disease to Please you might want to consider a couple other books that have also addressed approval-seeking and ways to stop it: Susan Newman‘s The Book of No and Ilene S. Cohen‘s
