“The Balancing Act” (Healthy Dependency): Nedra Glover Tawwab

Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab‘s new book The Balancing Act: Creating Healthy Dependency and Connection Without Losing Yourself  follows up her bestselling Set Boundaries, Find Peace.

It’s believed that Robert F. Bornstein, PhD, originally coined the term in Tawwab’s subtitle, i.e., healthy dependency. He had co-authored the 2003 Healthy Dependency: Leaning on Others Without Losing Yourself.

Another word for this term is interdependence—that place between dependence and independence.

Tawwab’s publisher gives the following description of her thinking on this topic: “Every relationship in our lives – from love and close friendship to extended family and our wider social circle – is a balancing act. If we give too much, we begin to lose ourselves. If we protect ourselves too much, we lose the closeness we all need. Getting the balance right is how we find more connection, authenticity, and joy.”

From Publishers Weekly: “The first half of the book unpacks the roots of unhealthy relationships, among them childhood trauma, mental health challenges, and insecure attachment styles (the ways in which people approach close relationships, often rooted in early experiences with caregivers; those with an ‘anxious’ attachment style, for example, can find it tough to form close connections due to ingrained distrust). To improve their relationships, readers should clearly ask for help when they’re having a crisis, balance time alone with time spent together (those who struggle with solo time can find new hobbies or learn to be ‘alone together’), and recognize that not all relationships require the same level of closeness.”

Six of Tawwab’s points about healthy dependency are capsulized in a recent Guardian article (Elle Hunt). Italicized statements are Hunt’s words.

• You can’t learn to be with others in isolation.…(M)any important relational skills can only be learned by doing.
• ‘Dependency’ isn’t a dirty word. “The healthy version of dependency is being able to have a support system, exercise boundaries, and notice when something is becoming codependent and make some adjustments,” Tawwab says.
• We’re not doomed to repeat our patterns…
• …but we can’t always trust our instincts.
• Relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all—or even 50-50…(S)eek to accommodate and accept other people as they are, while remaining conscious of your own red lines.
• Trust how you feel—but don’t shy from friction. Some feelings of discomfort, and even friction, are just part of being in relationships with other people, and often a marker of growth, Tawwab says.

Where do you land? Take Tawwab’s brief Balancing Act Quiz here.

Psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson‘s review of The Balancing Act: “A clear, highly readable guide to creating flexible and honest connections to sustain our health and energy. This is one of the best resources I have ever read that describes the balance we are trying to reach in all our relationships. A supremely useful and heartening book for all of us who need to navigate the demands of others while still holding on to what we need for ourselves.”