“Dear Insecurity,” writes Tracy E. Gilchrist, The Advocate, is a “plaintive ballad about nagging self-doubt.” Sung by Brandy Clark, featuring Brandi Carlile, it ends with the following lyrics:
Clark told Lynne Margolis, The Bluegrass Situation, she knows all about managing “massive insecurities”—and she believes everyone has them.
That’s why I think that song hits; to be human is to be insecure. And the more willing you are to admit those insecurities, the less they rule you. That song came from— I had gotten my feelings hurt. A really great friend of mine says insecurity is the ugliest human emotion; it’s what makes people do mean things. So I was trying to remember that on the way to my writing appointment that morning, because I wanted to get into a good headspace to write with someone I had never written with. When I was sitting in the car, I started to think about my own insecurities, and the things that they have messed up along the way for me. I thought, ‘Wouldn’t that be something, to write a letter to insecurity?’
Watch the emotionally moving “Dear Insecurity” video in which various individuals, including Clark, wrestle with their alter egos on the issue.
Live performance:
Experts agree with Clark. Ruth Gotlan, Ed.D., M.S., Psychology Today, for example: “While it may seem that some people have their act together, deep down, everyone is insecure about something. Some people might be more readily willing to admit to the feeling of inadequacy or unsure footing, but a sense of uncertainty or inadequacy does not discriminate and can affect everyone. In its most fulminating form, the feeling can come at you like a tidal wave.”
And you’re better off knowing and admitting this than lacking insecurity. Leon Seltzer, PhD, Psychology Today: “Show me someone completely devoid of insecure feelings and I’ll show you a pathological narcissist, hijacked by such defense mechanisms as denial, displacement, projection, and repression. To whatever degree, we all start out in life as insecure. And remnants of this insecurity remain even after we become adults.”
As is the case in Brandy Clark’s song, insecurities often show up in romantic relationships.
…This time feels like loveShe’s really sure of meSo, please don’t fuck this upIf you cut in on this danceI may never get another chance…
Some of the reasons, per Jill P. Weber, PhD, Psychology Today, include “unstable attachments from your childhood, past romantic trauma, low self-esteem, or just plain old anxiety.”
Might there be ways, though, Romantic Insecurity, to shoo you away? Weber recommends the following. (Refer to her article for further details.)
1. Consider your attachment with caregivers.
2. Consider past romantic traumas.
3. Consider your partner’s shortcomings.
4. Consider your deeper needs/emotions.
5. Build acceptance.
And from my own website, the following articles may be of use: 1. What’s your attachment style? 2. Posts on Jackson McKenzie’s Whole Again, Shannon Thomas’s Healing from Hidden Abuse, Carol Lambert’s Women with Controlling Partners, and several on abuse expert Lundy Bancroft‘s quotes (here, here, and here). 3. No one is perfect. 4. Be more vulnerable. 5. Self-acceptance.
