According to the Free Dictionary, the definition of a psychologist is as follows: “A person trained and educated to perform psychological research, testing, and therapy.”

Without further ado, let’s get right to the first contribution about psychologists on the Urban Dictionary, one that’s highly rated by the voters: A certified and trained prostitute of the mind, who naturally charges for his/her services by the hour.

More respectful, fortunately, is the second definition of a psychologist: A person licensed by the state with a doctoral degree. Psychologists assess and treat people’s mental health.

From there, however, it goes downhill. The various definitions start to resemble a lot of the contributions for social worker and therapist addressed in previous posts this week.

Number three has three components: 1. Friend-for-pay. 2. A pathological liar. 3. A better and happier person than the patient.

Four: Ordinary people who went to college for about 10 years after high school just to be able to listen to lunatics bitch all day long. They also have a shitload of student loans. A good movie that illustrates a Doctor’s struggles in this profession is called “What about Bob?”.

Finally, number five: Someone who studies bullshit and then tells you all your problems are due to a deprived childhood.

The actual practice of psychology, though, has a ton more entries. How about the following? Which of these hit it right on the nose? Psychology is (A) generally defined as the science of behavior and mental processes and the application of the resulting findings to the solution of problems, (B) The section of Borders bookstore where all the porn is hidden, believe it or not, (C) a degree you can get on Wikipedia, or (D) nearly always taken by those keen to go out and get drunk rather than get a proper degree?

I’m going to go with (A)—but I’m not a psychologist, so what do I know?

No matter. There are more choices. Maybe psychology is really (A) the best way to find out that you are not special, (B) Total bogus crap. Nonsense, or (C) The women’s “science.”

I think if I were a psychologist, I might want to hang it up right about now.