“Fawning”: Ingrid Clayton Clarifies This Trauma Response

Also addressed in the recently published Are You Mad at Me? by Meg Josephson, the trauma response of fawning is the main topic (and title) of Dr. Ingrid Clayton‘s new self-help book subtitled Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves–and How to Find Our Way Back.

It’s Pete Walker, expert in complex trauma, who’s responsible for coining the “fawning” term, Clayton points out (Psychology Today). As expressed by the publisher, “Most of us are familiar with the three F’s of trauma—fight, flight, or freeze. But psychologists have identified a fourth, extremely common (yet little-understood) response: fawning. Often conflated with ‘codependency’ or ‘people-pleasing,’ fawning occurs when we inexplicably draw closer to a person or relationship that causes pain, rather than pulling away.” 

(See “‘Codependent’ S’Mores“).

Publishers Weekly: “Unlike fight, flight, or freeze, fawning neither risks greater harm nor complete shutdown, making it a valuable tool for winning favor from the powerful in a patriarchal, neurotypical, and able-bodied society. But when fawning becomes habitual, it causes shame, depression, and anxiety, rendering efforts to ‘just get over it [and] grow up already’ futile, as it’s not a choice or personality trait but a survival tactic.”

Various aspects of fawning are listed on Clayton’s website. “If you’ve ever…

• Apologized to someone who has hurt you (trying to defuse a tense situation).
• Befriended your bullies (making them laugh to bring them onto your side).
• Ignored a partner’s bad behavior (knowing it would be worse if you spoke up).
• Worried about saying the right thing (even if there’s no right thing to say).
• Stayed too late to finish a work assignment (hoping for a nod of acknowledgment from your boss).
• Made yourself into someone you’re not (hoping for approval that may never come)…

...you might be a fawner.”

The author (Psychology Today) also offers an apt metaphor that’s useful for explaining each of the four trauma responses:

Using polyvagal theory (psychologist and neuroscientist Stephen Porges’ model of the autonomic nervous system), I appreciate researcher Janae Elisabeth’s interpretation that a fight or flight response is like putting your foot on the gas pedal. It’s what creates movement and momentum to fight or flee when we are in danger. Freeze is like putting your foot on the brake, disconnecting or dissociating from unsafe events and our bodies. Fawning can be seen as putting one foot on the gas pedal and one foot on the brake, at the same time. We have just enough social engagement to appease, while disconnecting from our true selves.

In another Psychology Today post Clayton expands on trauma-bonding, “a hormonal attachment created by repeated abuse, sprinkled with being ‘saved’ every now and then. A slightly different version of this cycle can be seen when we are sitting at a slot machine in Vegas. It’s called intermittent reinforcement and casinos have long used the data surrounding it to help us pour our life savings into their hands in the hope that we might finally ‘win’.” Victims, in other words, sometimes find a sense of safety with the abuser, reinforcing an unhealthy attachment to that person.