Moms Who Abandon (“Walk-Away Mothers”)

They exist: moms who abandon. Expert on mother-daughter issues, Peg Streep, says, “It’s not clear how many women walk out on their children. Alas, reliable statistics depend on the questions asked, and this tends not to be one of them…” (Psychology Today). However, “The emotional conflicts an abandoned child feels carry into adulthood and include grief, pain, shame, anger, and more,” she writes in another post.

One of NPR‘s “Books We Love” in 2024 was The Abandoners: On Mothers and Monsters by Spanish journalist/podcast host Begoña Gómez Urzaiz, who took on this endeavor because she “was fascinated—and horrified—by mothers, in real life or in fiction, who abandoned their children” (Kirkus Reviews)—and was also mystified by the double standard by which fathers don’t receive nearly as much judgment.

Her focus is on moms “who have found motherhood stifling, hindering them from pursuing an intellectual or creative life, or—in the case of actor Ingrid Bergman or Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina—because raising a child got in the way of a romantic relationship.”

What are the effects on their children? Naomi Schaefer Riley, Commentary: “Most of the children described in The Abandoners either have no relationship with their mother or relationships that are terribly dysfunctional. Sometimes the mothers have children after the ones they abandon, and they become unnaturally attached to those well into adulthood. From Doris Lessing—who, like [Muriel] Spark, abandoned two of her children in Africa while she moved back to England—to the child psychologist Maria Montessori, who gave up hers to pursue her scientific-research career, these women all led lives far from what was expected of them at the time.”

The Lost Daughter (2021), a pertinent Netflix film (based on Elena Ferrante‘s 2006 novel), stars Olivia Colman (Leda), with Jessie Buckley playing young adult Leda. Other key actors include Dakota Johnson, Ed Harris, and Peter Sarsgaard. 

Two other films about moms who abandon, Ricki and the Flash (2015) and Kramer vs. Kramer, both happen to star Meryl Streep.

In the case of Ricki, leaving home is about pursuing her rock-star dreams. Critic Amy Nicholson cites the double standard issue depicted “…when Ricki takes the stage to point out that Mick Jagger has seven kids by four women, and no one tells him to quit rock for parenthood.”

Ricki does, however, return home after her ex (Kevin Kline) contacts her about her adult daughter (Mamie Gummer, real-life daughter of Streep) having a breakdown. There are also two adult sons to contend with.

As the oft-reviled “walk-away mom” (as defined by Peggy Drexler, PhD, Psychology Today) Ricki won’t, of course, have an easy time of this.

Drexler offers kind of a “positive spin” to this overall issue, however: “Most experts, myself included, agree that it’s better for a child to have an absent parent than a parent who’s present but neglectful — or worse.”

The trailer:

Kramer vs. Kramer‘s (1979) walk-away mom, after being absent five years, returns to seek custody of her young son. See this previous post for further info. It may or may not feel dated, depending on your own perspectives and/or life experiences.