Over many years I’ve “perfected” a scientific and mathematical “formula” that can help you learn how to pick your next movie or series to watch.
You start with either the IMDB (viewers) score or the Rotten Tomatoes score. (Or drop the IMDB decimal point and take the average of both.)
At the conclusion of this exercise you’ll want a 7.5/75% or higher. A too-low starter at 6.9/69, for example, could land, say, at an irrationally increased okay 7.6/76 status. Conversely, that 8.7/87 you’re dying to see could wind up an oh no why did I follow these stupid guidelines unfortunate 7.2/72.
If your first selection fails, it’s off to the next, and so on.
So here we go. Before you pick your next movie/series, consider these 10 top factors:
1. Positive Word of Mouth
After one or two personal recommendations it’s evident who you can trust. What made anyone think you’d be better off dead you’d like that awful thing you were lured into watching last week? Deduct 10 points if it’s oh, you again; add 10 if you’ve yet to be hurt and disappointed by this person.
2. Specific Reviewers
Well, so-and-so film critic from so-and-so newspaper/magazine/website hated this one but loved [this other one you hated]…so definitely maybe you would like it? You actually remember what-so-and-so-said in the past? Add three whole points for the memory thing alone.
3. Home Vs. Theater
These days a film might be in either place. If you opt to stay in bed your chair in your dirty, sloppy casual clothes, five lazy points upward.
4. Distance
A) It’s new and exciting! Getting to the theater and back will take more than half the length of the film!! Three points off.
B) New! Exciting! An easy, quick ride!! Hey, no different than bopping into CVS every day for no good reason. Add three points! And don’t forget to get/use your coupons!
5. Pay or No Pay That’s (Not Really) the Question
Shell out real money at a theater for this possible piece of trash? Or watch at home where you’re shelling out nothing or so it feels because it’s just a debit on your card. No points either way!
6. Length
Dehydrate yourself, wear a diaper, and/or fret over which compelling scene(s) to miss all because the filmmaker had no regard for viewers’ bodily functions?! If a theater movie is over two hours, it loses points: deduct number two.
For a TV series, deduct 16 points if it’s a whole bunch of seasons you’ve already missed. However, for a “limited” series that only passes wastes six-ish hours of your life time versus weeks or months or years or eons, add six.
7. Casting
Can you live with yourself if you don’t see everything a favorite actor is in? Subtract 13 points for forgetting that Laughing at Lughnasa She-Devil, The Iron Lady was not worth seeing just for Meryl Streep.
8. Director
Is he/she a pedophile? Deduct all points the critics have given it.
If not, is he/she/they a minority of any kind? Double the current score. (No further commentary until we all get equal treatment.)
9. Story Elements
If it sounds irresistible, like “Burnt-out therapist who struggles with identity/career/relationship issues and loves pop culture ultimately finds love and happiness,” which should already be a movie because I have the damn script! go crazy with some extra points! How many? Who cares! You I mean I deserve to see this made!
10. Writer
Writers, of course, are unappreciated unknowns have highly significant roles in the making of any film or series. If you already know (really?) and like the writer(s), 25 extra points and can you connect me with anyone in Hollywood?
Congrats! You’re never going to get over this dumb and weird experience now always going to be able to pick your next movie/series!!
