In a recent post on Psychology Today, which regularly features articles about dealing with toxic people, Stephen Friedman, MA, declared, “The toxic label has become misunderstood, overused, and unhelpful.” It does, I suppose, seem to have gone the way of codependency and mindfulness, to name just two other psych jargon victims that may have deserved a better fate. Nevertheless, I remain committed to pointing people toward possible resources that can increase your understanding of how and why some people are harmful to your mental health and strategies for dealing with them. The newest book title in this genre calls this group the synonym “poisonous people”: whether intentional or not to avoid “toxic,” I do not know.
authored by a psychologist who’s an expert in psychopathy, Leanne ten Brinke, and she has definitely done her research regarding this topic. I study deception, distrust, and dark personalities, reads her website introduction.
Weaving together personal stories and pathbreaking research, she depicts a surprising reality: a small portion of the population causes most of the world’s suffering. People with psychopathic and related personality traits commit a disproportionate amount of crime, with an economic cost estimated in the trillions of dollars. They also poison communities by spreading negativity, violating trust, and eroding norms. Fortunately, science offers powerful solutions…” (publisher blurb).
Just observing our national and world “leadership” these days, we need this—and stat.
But I think her advice is more about interpersonal relations in our day to day lives. In a recent Psychology Today post, ten Brinke identifies three strategies for handling poisonous individuals “without canceling them.” (Read her post for more detailed info.)
- Establish clear boundaries and enforce them.
- Try empathy, as in understanding their perspective. “People with dark personality traits don’t respond very well to appeals about fairness, kindness, or how others feel. But they do respond to something else: in-group connection.”
- Communicate carefully. “Dark personalities can be charming, their excessive confidence can be misread as competence, and they tend to lie more than the average person. This can put us at a disadvantage in negotiations, where dark personalities have no qualms about exploiting our trusting nature. To avoid being sold a raw deal, move negotiations to text or email.”
Check out website Surtil.com if you’re interested in an abstract of the book’s contents.
