Category Archives: Relationships

interpersonal relationships; marriage/family

Nov 02

Therapeutic Letter to Your Parents: Why and How

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A therapeutic letter is something I’ve not only suggested to adult clients many times but have also used personally. In fact, I wrote one for the very same reason many others have—coming out to Mom. Jane Lynch, for example, wrote about this type of letter in her 2011 memoir Happy Accidents. (My own experience was fictionalized in my novel Minding Therapy.)

In Lynch’s case, her therapist suggested writing her parents the fairly standard write-it/don’t-necessarily-send-it/maybe-you-should-show-it-to-me-first kind of letter. Why not send it? There can be some satisfaction just from the process of venting thoughts and feelings and/or preparing what you might actually say in person instead. Why show your therapeutic letter to a trusted someone? In case you get carried away, a more objective eye helps ensure that the prospective target won’t be so turned off they’ll decide not to read your missive.

Coming out, of course, isn’t the only reason you might write a therapeutic letter. Maybe you’ve experienced childhood wounds you’d like to address. Or maybe the problems are more present-centered.

But, Isn’t letter writing a copout? some will ask. Not at all. Letter-writing affords the sender a chance to say what she needs to say without being sidetracked by heated dialogue, and it affords the receiver a chance to think things through before responding. And thus, both parties can work together more effectively on their relationship.

When John F. Evans, EdD, Psychology Today, addressed “transactional writing” he considered all kinds of reasons someone might try to reach another via writing. His five types of letters can all apply to reasons you may be considering writing a letter to your parents.

  1. The compassionate letter–in which you reach out to try to help someone in pain
  2. The empathetic letter–an effort to understand another’s actions or intent
  3. The gratitude letter
  4. Granting forgiveness letter
  5. Asking forgiveness letter

More specifically, Matt Smith at Modern Era Counseling suggests a process for dealing with toxic parents through writing a series, step by step, of three different therapy letters.

  1. The never-to-be-mailed letter to your toxic parent–to help the writer express things without self-censorship
  2. The realistic response letter from your toxic parent–what you might expect in return
  3. Desired response letter from your toxic parent–“the response you’ve always hoped for from your parent but never truly received”

The ultimate effect of the above process is to allow oneself to feel the type of validation never before received—and possibly not ever achievable in actual interactions.

Oct 26

Transgender and Gender Identity Books Worth a Look

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The following are selected transgender and gender identity books worth a read:

I. Trans Bodies, Trans Selves, 2nd edition (2022), compiled by Laura Erickson-Schroth

“…(A) revolutionary resource–a comprehensive, reader-friendly guide for transgender people, with each chapter written by transgender and gender expansive authors.”

II. “You’re in the Wrong Bathroom!”: And 20 Other Myths and Misconceptions… (2017) by psychiatrist Laura Erickson-Schroth and therapist Laura A. Jacobs

Aims to educate people about some frequently held but misguided beliefs on this topic.

III. Gender Failure (2014)by Rae Spoon and Ivan E. Coyote

Kate Bornstein, author of A Queer and Pleasant Danger: “At times hilarious, at times heartbreaking, their storytelling is top-notch. This book is unputdownable.”

IV. the GENDER book (2014) by Hunter Rook, Jay Mays, and Robin Mack

Page by page, The Gender Book includes easy-to-read and colorful graphics such as the one below:

transumbrella

V. Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out (2014) by Susan Kuklin

Six young adults and their families are featured.

VI. Some Assembly Required: The Not-So-Secret Life of a Transgender Teen (2014) by Arin Andrews    

Arin Andrews had gender reassignment when he was a high school junior.

VII. I Promised Not to Tell: Raising a Transgender Child (2016) by Cheryl B. Evans

From the publisher: “What is unique about this deeply personal parenting memoir is that it follows one transgender child from birth through age eighteen.”

VIII. My Daughter He: Transitioning With Our Transgender Children (2014) by Candace Waldron    

Waldron’s trans son started to deal openly with his identity in his teens.

IX. Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of An American Family (2015) by Amy Ellis Nutt  

Wyatt is one of the identical twins adopted by Wayne and Kelly Maines. “By the time the twins were toddlers, confusion over Wyatt’s insistence that he was female began to tear the family apart. In the years that followed, the Maineses came to question their long-held views on gender and identity, to accept and embrace Wyatt’s transition to Nicole, and to undergo an emotionally wrenching transformation of their own that would change all their lives forever.”

X. Raising Ryland: Our Story of Parenting a Transgender Child with No Strings Attached (2016) by Hillary Whittington 

This book expands on the viral YouTube video of Ryland, age 5, and his parents.

XI. Raising the Transgender Child (2016) by Michele Angelo and Ali Bowman

Whittington (see above) “praises Raising the Transgender Child as “an essential ‘how to’ guide for any parent or guardian of a gender fluid or transgender child.”

XII. The Reflective Workbook for Partners of Transgender People: Your Transition as Your Partner Transitions (2019) by D.M. Maynard  

A relatively new workbook for a sometimes forgotten group in need.

Other resources for trans partners, by the way, can be found at TransGenderPartners.com.

Oct 05

“I’m Glad My Mom Died”: May Hit a Nerve

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Former child actor Jennette McCurdy‘s bestselling new memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died has been notable not only for its popularity among readers but also for its title alone. She blatantly admits being happy her mother is dead? Who does that?!

 

Mary Elizabeth Williams, Salon: “When the book debuted earlier this month [August 2022], it became an instant bestseller and sold out on Amazon. Its success revealed that there is a whole population of survivors who have complicated feelings toward our deceased relatives.”

In the following top quote from the book McCurdy, now 30, contemplates her abusive mom‘s death:

I take a longer look at the words on her headstone.
Brave, kind, loyal, sweet, loving, graceful, strong, thoughtful, funny, genuine, hopeful, playful, insightful, and on and on…
Was she, though? Was she any of those things? The words make me angry. I can’t look at them any longer.
Why do we romanticize the dead? Why can’t we be honest about them?

Well, honesty about this is hard, but it does happen. Google the topic. You will definitely find others confessing a lack of sadness over their parents’ deaths.

I can tell you I’m glad my father died. It’s not that he was abusive, it’s that he just wasn’t there throughout my entire life. I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me, so until he died he was already a ghost anyway—one who made my life challenging at times. (Explaining this further might involve a book’s worth of thoughts and feelings.)

It may be much harder for most to admit similar feelings about their Mother, though. That’s just a thing I probably don’t even have to explain.

McCurdy has done a lot of work on herself to get to the place of being able to write I’m Glad My Mom Died. Previously she had developed a one-woman show of the same title; she also does a podcast called Empty Inside. And, ta-da, she goes to therapy.

As the author told the Associated Press, therapy alone wasn’t cutting it, however. Putting together her show and doing her other writing have also been important. “Processing the events that happened in my childhood took so long in therapy. I needed to do so much of that excavating work on my own.”

Which is not to discount her therapy’s impact. Therapy has helped her significantly, for example, with her eating disorders. “…I don’t obsess about food at all. I say this because I want people to know that I do believe it’s possible to not have it haunt you for the rest of your life. I feel great in my recovery. I consider myself recovered. For anybody who might be struggling now, I want them to know it’s possible to recover.”

Are you grappling with the death of an abusive or toxic parent? Dr. , Certified Grief Counselor, has a pertinent article at Join Cake.

You might, of course, also be interested in I’m Glad My Mom Died. 

Aug 17

Solitude Vs. Loneliness: Two Nonfiction Books

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Solitude is not necessarily about loneliness. It is, in fact, a condition that can be appreciated, cultivated, and enjoyed. Below are two nonfiction books that address the benefits of solitude.

I. How to Be Alone by Sara Maitland (2014)

Kate Kellaway, The Guardian, asked Maitland the important question about the difference between solitude and loneliness: “Solitude is a description of a fact: you are on your own. Loneliness is a negative emotional response to it. People think they will be lonely and that is the problem – the expectation is also now a cultural assumption.”

Selected Quotes from How to Be Alone:

Most of us have a dream of doing something in particular which we have never been able to find anyone to do with us. And the answer is simple really: do it yourself.

Remember it is quite normal to be a bit frightened of being alone. Most of us grew up in a social environment that sent out the explicit message that solitude was bad for you: it was bad for your health (especially your mental health) and bad for your “character” too.

…(B)eing alone can be beneficial and it is certainly not detrimental to well-being, provided the individuals have freely chosen it. A good deal of the “scientific evidence” for the danger [of solitude] to physical and mental health comes from studies of people in solitary confinement.

II. Solitude: A Singular Life in a Crowded World by Michael Harris (2017)

Below Michael Harris offers “Five Ways Being Alone Will Improve Your Life” (Time). Click on the link for additional details.

  1.  Politics. Getting our news on social media doesn’t necessarily lend itself to increasing our understanding. “We all need time away from the red-faced online crowds if we want to consider the things they’re shouting. The radical thinkers of tomorrow will be people who know how to remove themselves from toxic pools of public discourse; they’ll be people who have mastered the art of moving back and forth, between crowd and solitude.”
  2. Daydreaming. “Studies show that, when the mind wanders, our brains activate what’s called a ‘default mode network.’ An intense series of brain functions go to work, despite the ‘blankness’ that the brain projects to us…While institutions continue to place an emphasis on concentration and collaboration, it’s worth asking why so many of our greatest artists and scientists make a habit of solitary walks in the woods or through city parks…”
  3. Culture Consumption. Instead of going with the mainstream film, book, and song suggestions that everyone else goes for, do we really know what we actually prefer? “We owe it to ourselves to step away from these crowd-fueled suggestions and foster our inner weirdos instead. What do you really like? There are stranger things waiting to be loved.”
  4. Wayfinding. Now using such tools as GPS and Google Maps, we tend not to get lost anymore. But “feeling wholly alone in an unforgiving landscape, might be better for us than we think.” It’s a skill that can be helpful. “Try taking a drive in a strange town without your phone. Try walking into the woods alone. When we get lost, we have a chance to find ourselves.”
  5. Relationships. “We cannot desire that which we already possess. Three-dimensional love must include periods of separation: as Rilke noted, ‘the highest task for a bond between two people [is] that each protects the solitude of the other’…Walking away from our phones, resisting the urge to Facebook-stalk our boyfriends and girlfriends, composing a single love letter instead of a hundred inconsequential texts, will shake up a relationship more than any ‘disruptive’ technology.”