I was recently interviewed regarding the topic of keeping secrets for an article published by Bored Panda on May 16th. The experience inspired me to rewrite a previous post on secrecy.
First, Privacy Versus Secrecy
In The Secret Life of Secrets author Michael Slepian, PhD, states the following: “You can draw a line between secrecy and privacy by considering secrecy as an intention to hold specific information back, and privacy as a reflection of how much you broadcast personal information, in general. People who are more private require closeness before they let you in. Yet those who are less private may be happy to disclose personal information, and not just to friends and family, but to coworkers, acquaintances, and even people they’ve just met.”
Relationship specialist Bruce Muzik offers his own take: “Secrecy is the act of hiding information. Privacy is about being unobserved — being able to have my own experience of life without the eyes of anyone else on me.”
And Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (now Victoria Priya), HuffPost, proposes these distinctions between what’s private and what’s secret:
Private: information intentionally withheld for the purpose of creating safety or protection of self or others.
Secret: information intentionally withheld for the purpose of avoiding consequences.
Secrecy and Its Effects
Research has shown there are 38 common secrets, reports Slepian in Psychology Today. (For a list, refer to his article.) His research participants reported “having had 21 of the 38 experiences, 13 of which they keep secret. And 97 percent of my participants say they currently have at least one of the secrets from the list.”
At the top of the secrets category list are lies that have been told, romantic desire, sex, and finances. Then comes family issues, a secret ambition, and thoughts about cheating on a partner.
It’s the things we’ve actually done, though, that are more likely to cause internal distress. Dr. Alex Lickerman (Psychology Today) notes that if your secret is of this type, opening up is likely to:
- Reduce your guilt.
- Prevent the person or persons who would be hurt by learning the secret from finding out about it from someone else.
- Reduce the number of your offenses.
But not all secrets have to do with things you’ve done wrong. Many are about things done wrong to you. Childhood sexual abuse, for example. Or things about you that aren’t wrong but that others might judge. Having an LGBTQ+ identity can fit into this category.
In any case, disclosing can prove helpful, particularly if you’re taking a hit emotionally because of what you’re harboring. 12-step programs, as you may know, have a slogan, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” And, physician/author Paul Tournier (1898-1986) once stated, “Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.”
On the other hand, are some things better left unsaid? Particularly if your secret is going to hurt someone else?
In the end, each of us has to decide what works or feels best. But telling at least one person (may I suggest taking advantage of your therapist’s code of confidentiality) is likely to bring a measure of healing relief. If you choose not to tell anyone, writing it down can also prove helpful—and there are ways to ensure that no one else gets to see it.
