Three nonfiction books that take on the topic of social connection and social fitness are described below.
I. A Little More Social: How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health, and Connection by Nicholas Epley (2026)
Psychologist Epley also had a TED Talk this year titled “The Simple Habit for a Happier Social Life.” “When in doubt, reach out,” this proponent of social connection concludes below.
Jill Suttie, Greater Good, summarizes the three things that Epley says tend to impede us from making new social connections:
- Exaggerated uncertainty: our tendency to not like uncertainty and anticipate the worst outcome
- Mismatched perspectives: judging ourselves more harshly than we would others, thinking we’re less competent
- Confusing environments: not reaching out becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
Prefer superficial connections? Or deeper? Either way, research shows it’s usually more satisfying than just being on our phones or being disconnected to the real world. Examples of initial approaches Epley says we can take to reach out:
- Say hello. Smile.
- Make a small remark that’s relevant to a situation you share.
- Offer a compliment.
- Do a kind action.
- Thank someone.
II. The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness by Robert Waldinger, MD, and Marc Schulz, PhD (2022)
“The reason we call it [social fitness] is to frame it as analogous to physical fitness. We think of physical fitness as a practice, as something we do to maintain our bodies. Our social life is a living system, and it needs maintenance too,” Waldinger told the Harvard Gazette.
The bottom line, per the study, is that “Good relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer.”
Interesting sub-conclusion: “The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest (mentally and physically) at age 80.”
III. The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Building Social Confidence: Using Compassion-Focused Therapy to Overcome Shyness and Social Anxiety by Lynne Henderson, Ph.D., and Paul Gilbert (2011)
What if you want better relationships but have difficulty developing them due to social awkwardness or inhibitions? The Social Fitness Training program of Lynne Henderson, Ph.D., and the Shyness Institute has been available for decades in order to address this. “The program in this book helps you both accept your shyness as part of your personality and challenge your social anxiety when it keeps you from living the life you want.”
Selected quotes:
…It was the many conversations I’ve had over the past 30 years with depressed, anxious, lost and lonely people that convinced me that the one core element they seemed to lack was the ability to be kind, gentle, warm and compassionate with themselves.
Life is about learning when to act and when not to act on our desires and emotions. This takes us to the heart of compassionate behaviour because it isn’t just about acting in kind, warm and friendly ways. It’s also about protecting ourselves and others from our own destructive desires and actions; it’s about being assertive, tolerating discomfort and developing courage.
We need to recognize, however, that when we accept ourselves as we are, and life as it is, we may find it easier to find peace and contentment within ourselves. This is absolutely not a position of passive, defeated resignation but rather it is about looking around to see what we can do now with what we’ve got. It’s about ‘being in the moment’ as opposed to living in regret and with ‘if onlys’ or ‘isn’t it unfair’ or ‘I could have been…
