Tag Archives: Laurie Helgoe “Introvert Power”

Apr 06

“Fragile Bully (…Narcissism in the Age of Trump)”

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The archetypal narcissist is a crazymaker, at once needy and aggressive, desperate
for love and yet rejecting of it, fragile child and bully. Laurie Helgoe, Fragile Bully

Psychologist Laurie Helgoe, who previously wrote Introvert Power, also has some important things to say in her 2019 Fragile Bully: Understanding Our Destructive Affair With Narcissism in the Age of Trump. In this book she explains how to disengage from people in your lives who display Trump-like behavior.

First, more about the term “fragile bully” from Kenneth N. Levy, PhD: It’s about “…the paradoxical dynamic of narcissism—that the grandiosity and surrounding bravado belies an underlying fragility and brittleness.”

A key statement from Helgoe: “When I talk to clients, friends, and family members who are trying to exit a destructive dance [around a narcissist], two consistent themes emerge: feelings of failure for being unable to fix the fragile bully, and feelings of shame for staying in the dance.”

So, how does one reconcile this dance? Knowledge and advice can be found within the following quotes I’ve selected from a resource on Helgoe’s website:

With severe personality disorders such as borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, it is often the people in the lives of the affected person who suffer. So we can often sense we are dealing with a narcissist by the feelings he or she arouses in us.

Narcissistic characteristics such as grandiosity and a sense of entitlement tend to elicit aggressive feelings—a desire to put the narcissist in his or her place. The narcissist’s lack of empathy may elicit extreme frustration. And on the flip side, the narcissist’s focus on his or her fragility can leave others feeling trapped—trying to “fix” the narcissist so that he or she can be more available. People are also drawn in by the narcissist’s charisma or fragility, gaining a sense of importance by being in the shared spotlight or by the promise of being the fragile narcissist’s savior.

The fragile-bully dynamic leaves loved ones with nowhere to turn: defend yourself, and the partner feels victimized; distance yourself, and the partner feels abandoned; express an independent thought, and the narcissist feels threatened. The unwritten contract is to empty yourself and keep dancing in step with the narcissist’s needs, even when those needs hurt you.

Developing empathy for oneself is crucial to the process of healing and emancipation. It’s also important to make room for the grief of ending a relationship—even a destructive one. The grief may have more to do with disappointment that you were unable to “fix” the narcissist or that you invested so much in a relationship that turned on you.

Narcissism sets up a “you versus me” dynamic, so breaking that dynamic is key. “You are important to me” statements combined with what Craig Malkin calls “empathy prompts”—“I feel/need/want,” help empower the self-absorbed to be cognizant and supportive of the loved one. If such efforts—which may be better accomplished with the help of a therapist—do not work, this may be a sign that the capacity for empathy is just not there.

Mar 30

Introversion: A Summary of Helpful Resources

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Although Susan Cain‘s Quiet (2012) may be the best known of the introversion resources/books, the following are some additional suggestions.

I. Books on Introversion

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) can only be administered by certified practitioners, but a book by David Keirsey, Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence (1998), offers a quick test, the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, that gives results similar to the MBTI. Keirsey gives detailed descriptions of each of the 16 types. Introversion is one of the key traits analyzed.

Additional books:

II. Article on Introversion

Possibly my favorite resource is an article by Jonathan Rauch entitled “Caring For Your Introvert: The Habits and Needs of a Little-Understood Group” (The Atlantic), March 2003.

Although tongue-in-cheek, the many good points in this piece have resonated with tons of people since its publication. Some excerpts:

  • Introverts are not necessarily shy…Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say ‘Hell is other people at breakfast.’ Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.
  • For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: ‘I’m okay, you’re okay–in small doses.’
  • Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome.
  • The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.
  • We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking…
  • The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves.

Rauch’s concluding remarks offer a (naturally) cheeky response to the following question: How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice?

First, recognize that it’s not a choice. It’s not a lifestyle. It’s an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don’t say, ‘What’s the matter?’ or ‘Are you all right?’

Third, don’t say anything else, either.

III. A Test to Measure Introversion and a Chart

Scott Barry Kaufman in Scientific American introduces a test that purports to measure four different aspects of introversion based on previous academic findings of Jennifer Odessa Grimes. Go to the above-linked article and scroll down to “What Kind of Introvert Are You?” to take the test.

When you score your results you’ll have a number for each type. It’s not about the highest score being your type—rather, each score indicates how much of that type is part of your introversion.

For a quick read, go to this popular Huffington Post article by Lindsay Holmes, who provides an illustrated chart, “Dr. Carmella’s Guide to Understanding the Introverted,” by artist Roman Jones.