Several notable books take on the type of narcissism that doesn’t necessarily qualify as a personality disorder but is actually a relatively common personality trait in its own right.
Twenge: “Narcissism is an inflated sense of self. It is thinking that you are better than you actually are. It is a complicated trait with lots of different correlates to it, but it does include things like seeking fame, attention, vanity, and so on. However, its main characteristic is its self-centeredness.”
The authors address such questions as, how is narcissism not just high self-esteem? One main difference between a diagnosable narcissist and someone with narcissistic traits, they say, is that a narcissist lacks the ability or interest in nurturing his or her relationships.
Other “signs of narcissism” according to Twenge:
- Being delusional about one’s own greatness
- Taking too many risks
- An inflated, unrealistic sense of self
- Alienation from other people
- Entitlement, the expectation of having things handed to you without much effort
- Not caring about others.
Rethinking Narcissism is about de-pathologizing the term. “The truth is,” states the book blurb, “that narcissists (all of us) fall on a spectrum somewhere between utter selflessness on the one side, and arrogance and grandiosity on the other. A healthy middle exhibits a strong sense of self. On the far end lies sociopathy.”
Although Malkin has a self-test on his website, psychologist Leon F. Seltzer (Psychology Today) says the longer book version of Malkin’s test is “alone worth the price of the book.”
If you’d like a deeper sense of Malkin’s views on related topics, the following articles will help:
- “5 Early Warning Signs You’re With a Narcissist”
- “7 Strategies for Dealing With the Narcissist You Love”
- “Can Narcissists Change?” (Hint: he thinks yes.)
In an interview with Psychology Today, author Van Dyken defines “everyday narcissism” as “a low-grade, garden-variety form of narcissism that most of us struggle with, often on a daily basis.” Reports Publishers Weekly, “everyday narcissism” includes “the resulting passivity, inability to discuss emotion, and self-denial” that arises from being taught certain myths from an early age.
These five myths have been typically handed down from one generation to another and are as follows:
- We are responsible for—and have the power to control—how other people feel and behave.
- Other people are responsible for—and have the power to control—the way we feel and behave.
- The needs and wants of other people are more important than our own.
- Following the rules is also more important than addressing our needs and feelings.
- We are not lovable as we are; we can only become lovable through what we do and say.
One of Van Dyken’s various recommendations is to learn how to say no, which in her work as a therapist is “one of the hardest pieces of homework I give to people.” Her advice will go something like this: “I’d like you to say ‘no, that won’t work for me’ three times this week.” As she recently related to Mike Zimmerman, tonic.vice.com, “It might take someone 3 months to learn how to do that.”