The following six books contain useful info for adult children of narcissists:
Clinical psychologist Elan Golomb, who had a narcissistic father, authored one of the first books on this subject. Kirkus Reviews noted that she has a psychoanalytical orientation and “writes in language more accessible to other therapists than to general readers, unleavened by humor, and without a specific agenda. But difficult as her approach may be, it’s sound and ultimately rewarding as well.”
“Simply put,” says Golomb, “the children of narcissists…share a common belief: They believe they do not have the right to exist.”
Dr. Karyl McBride, who wrote the next book on this list, wrote on Facebook in 2011: “I have always liked Elan Golomb’s quote from Trapped in the Mirror: ‘There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead and when she was good she was criticized anyway’.”
A few sample quotes:
We daughters of narcissistic mothers believe we have to be there for them—and that it is our role to attend to their needs, feelings and desires—even as young girls. We don’t feel that we matter to our mothers otherwise.
Sometimes being a supportive friend to her mother is the only way for the daughter to get positive strokes from Mom. The daughter may fall into the friend role willingly, not even realizing there is something terribly wrong with the arrangement until much later in life.
A narcissistic mother sees her daughter, more than her son, as a reflection and extension of herself rather than as a separate person with her own identity. She puts pressure on her daughter to act and react to the world and her surroundings in the exact manner that Mom would, rather than in a way that feels right for the daughter.
An excerpt from Morrigan on sons of narcissistic mothers (on her website):
…It is through his relationship with his mother that a boy learns how to relate to women, and of course with a narcissistic mother a man is going to not have a healthy model for those relationships.
It can cause problems in later relationships too, as his narcissistic mother can try to interfere in his marriage and the son’s partner would struggle to understand why he concedes to his mother so much. This can be a problem for daughters of narcissistic mothers too, of course, but I imagine it’s worse for men as our culture expects men to be strong and independent, and here is this man giving into his mother’s demands and whims. His whole concept of masculinity can be damaged by this. We could of course discuss whether that’s a fair concept of masculinity, but that’s a whole different topic. The reality for now is that strength and independence are considered hallmarks of masculinity, and the bullied son of a narcissistic mother can fail to show those traits sufficiently for his, or others’, liking.
The predecessor to the following by the same author…
“Growing up with a parent who is self-absorbed is difficult, and they may become more difficult to deal with as they age,” states the publisher of Brown’s latter book.
Therapist and professor Eleanor F. Counselman: “Brown delineates four types of self-absorbed parents—Clingy, Suspicious-Defensive, Arrogant, and Belligerent—and provides excellent strategies for managing interactions with each type of parent. The book has useful exercises designed to help readers manage their side of these very difficult relationships more effectively.”
VI. Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Quiet the Critical Voice in Your Head, Heal Self-Doubt, and Live the Life You Deserve, Stephanie M. Kriesberg, PsyD, Wendy T. Behari, LCSW (2022)
Jonice Webb, PhD: “Stephanie Kriesberg has written a reassuring and easy-to-read book about what it’s like to grow up with a mother who is raising you to meet her own needs and is generally incapable of empathy. Kriesberg describes the causes of narcissism in vivid prose. Replete with real-life examples, exercises, and thoughtful journaling questions, I will be sending clients and friends to this book again and again.”
(This post was last updated 2/7/22.)