May 06

When Your Straight Spouse Is Not: Some Resources

In the new Netflix series Grace and Frankie each titular character (played by Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin) finds out her straight spouse is not. (See my previous post.)

When your straight spouse is not in real life, there are currently a number of reliable and helpful resources for you—for one, the Straight Spouse Network (tagline “Discovering Your Spouse Isn’t Straight. Real Support At An Unreal Time”). Founded by Amity Pierce Buxton, who years ago experienced this type of issue firsthand, SSN has lots to offer on its website.

One of several videos available on the site is this “It Gets Better” version:

Another resource is PFLAG, an organization whose articleOpening the Straight Spouse’s ClosetA Guide for Understanding Issues Facing Families with Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Or Transgender Spouses” is available online. In addition, several other supportive resources are listed on their site.

Selected Reading: When Your Partner is Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual

Amity Pierce BuxtonUnseen-Unheard: Straight Spouses from Trauma to Transformation (2013)

Heather Cram, You’re What?! Survival Strategies for Straight Spouses (2008)

Carol Grever, My Husband Is Gay: A Woman’s Survival Guide (2001)

Carol Grever and Deborah Bowman, When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual (2008)

Update, 2023:

American Psychological Association, “Helping the Straight Spouse When a Wife or Husband Comes Out as LGB or T

Selected Reading: When Your Partner is Transgender

Jennifer Finney Boylan, She’s Not There (updated 2013 version); and Stuck in the Middle With You: A Memoir of Parenting in Three Genders (2013)memoirs by a trans woman

Leslie Hilburn Fabian, My Husband’s a Woman Now: A Shared Journey of Transition and Love (2014)

Spouses, Parents, and Other Family Members Share Overlapping Needs,” on site She Was the Man of My Dreams

See also: American Psychological Association, “Helping the Straight Spouse When a Wife or Husband Comes Out as LGB or T

Another Video

This one was created by Carol Grever (see her books above) and is called “One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages”: