Previous posts here have addressed such interrelated topics as how to detach from your parents, how to detach from your dysfunctional family, what it means to detach with love, and family estrangement. The Power of Parting: Finding Peace and Freedom Through Family Estrangement by Eamon Dolan is a new book that offers more on these issues by combining personal wisdom—Dolan was abused by his mother and eventually broke free—with conclusions gleaned from interviewing other victims.
From Kirkus Reviews: “The author uses his experience as an example of how the current emphasis of approaching estrangement through the lens of future forgiveness marginalizes and harms survivors, whose experience of childhood abuse Dolan compares to the suffering of ‘enslaved people, concentration camp survivors, and others who have endured the worst harm their fellow humans could inflict.’ In addition to summarizing the lifelong mental consequences of surviving childhood psychological abuse, he offers a system for deciding whether to consider estrangement as a viable option for parting with abusers, explores the ‘spectrum’ of approaches to estrangement, and describes ways to leave the door open for abusers willing to undergo significant personal healing and change.”
As his publisher’s blurb mentions, even therapists too often have a bias toward reconciliation. This can hurt clients further rather than helping. Dolan’s “practical approach to healthy estrangement” may, therefore, be his book’s biggest asset. Publishers Weekly: “Exploring both ‘partial and total separation,’ Dolan recommends taking a short break from the abusive family member to get more comfortable with the idea, then making rules that the abuser must follow in order to remain in touch. If the rules are broken, it can lead to reduced contact or complete estrangement…”
Selected Reviews of The Power of Parting
Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People: “…The Power of Parting reminds us that sometimes individuation, healing, resolution, and ending intergenerational cycles require giving ourselves permission to release ourselves from those who harmed us, even if they are family.”
Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: “We don’t choose our family members, but we can choose how we want to be treated. Moving beyond societal guilt, secrecy, and taboos around estrangement, The Power of Parting provides concrete guidance on how to move forward when ‘working things out’ proves too difficult, too painful, or simply impossible. For anyone who has felt trapped by the deep wounds that relatives can inflict, this brave and groundbreaking book offers invaluable clarity, empathy, healing—and ultimately, freedom.”
Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men: “I’ve never seen such clarity and compassion offered to people who struggle with toxic family members. Whether you choose to stay connected or take your distance, this book will guide you in understanding what’s happening and deciding what’s best for you.”
