In the enjoyable new Netflix series The Four Seasons one of the three couples who have regularly vacationed together realizes they could use some couples therapy. Outside of sessions they start putting their newfound “therapy speak” into action. It’s not their psychobabble, however, that’s going to heal them.
They’re Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship, the newly released book by clinical psychologist and couples expert Isabelle Morley, addresses the issue of psychobabble gone wild. More specifically, it’s about how improved therapy acceptance by the general public has led to misuse and overuse of pathologizing terms, ones even I rarely threw around when I was a practicing therapist.
Morley’s main themes are also presented in recent Psychology Today posts. In one she describes what gaslighting really is and isn’t. “Gaslighting is an abuse tactic used to make someone doubt their experience of reality. In it, an abuser questions the person’s perception of events, making them lose trust in their memory and experience. Over time, with repeated instances of gaslighting, the other person believes that they’re misunderstanding and misreading the world around them and relies on the abuser’s narrative as truth. It makes them feel stupid, inept, and like they’re going crazy.”
Other things about gaslighting: it usually doesn’t exist in the absence of other abusive behavior, isn’t always intentional, is very damaging, and tends to be a pattern of behavior versus an isolated incident. What gaslighting is not: when “someone invalidates our experience, lies, or disagrees with us.” In sum, Morley states, “We need to give space for people to be frustratingly imperfect without jumping to terms of abuse because these words represent abhorrent behaviors and their true definitions need to remain intact.”
Therapy speak, or “a good thing gone too far,” is the topic of the second Psychology Today post of relevance. “Many now feel comfortable hurling labels and diagnoses like gaslighting and sociopathy, even if they are inaccurate (and they often are inaccurate). They notice a mood shift, and they call their spouse bipolar. Hurt by their partner’s tardiness, they label it a boundary violation or red flag. They’re identifying problematic behaviors and swiftly articulating their findings (‘You’re so OCD, you have to calm down about the dishes!’) so the other person can apologize and change.”
Much of people’s behavior is actually quite normal, Morley points out. Partners can learn to clarify complaints without pathologizing each other.
Selected Reviews of They’re Not Gaslighting You
Katy Keffer, Foreward Reviews: “Addressing the widespread inappropriate use of clinical terminology in diagnosing relationships, also known as the weaponization of therapy-speak, the book names specific criteria attached to psychological diagnoses to safeguard the actual meanings of terms like love bombing, sociopathy, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.”
Jessica Zucker, PhD: “A refreshing, clear-eyed look at the misuse of therapy speak that infiltrates our everyday lives…This book is a must-read for anyone tired of the modern obsession with labeling individuals.”
Israa Nasir, MHC-LP: “More than just identifying the problem, she offers real solutions, making this book a vital resource for anyone who wants to use mental health language to foster understanding rather than division.”
